Rules for the blues. From moblues.org
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line: "I got a good woman - with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then, find something that rhymes ... sort of. "Got a good woman, with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pounds."
4. The Blues are not about choice. "You stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out."
5. Blues cars: V-8 Fords, Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle, so does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get
the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in Kansas City or St. Louis, but not in Hawaii or anyplace in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. , Chicago and Memphis are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain or snow.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg while escaping from the work farm is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. flop house
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Bloomingdale’s
b. art galleries
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old black man, who has paid his dues.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you had your teeth capped
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely in a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mamma
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
e. Any name that includes a city or state
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
20. I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot sing the blues, you best destroy it. Set it on fire, a spill a bottle of Mad Dog on it, or use your shotgun, maybe your big woman can just sit on it. I don't care.
Now just go on.
